9Aug10 Time Marches On

“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
– Bill Watterson

It’s hard to believe that it’s already August, yet here we are. My teacher friends are going back to work, and residents of the Gulf Coast are paying a little extra attention to the tropical storm activity which picks up near the end of summer. Where does the time go?

One day at a time, our future becomes our past. The potential of What Could Be gets steamrolled by the reality of what is. In our dreams we have many perfect days in our future. Days spent on some adventure, traveling, spending time with friends, being in love. One by one, those days give way to the seemingly endless drumming rhythm of life:
work/eat/sleep/rinse/repeat

In my 20’s I was comfortable with this passage of time. Like practically everyone else at that age, I felt like I had plenty of time to do the things I wanted to do. I thought that I was exactly where I wanted to be. Time was on my side. Not so much anymore.

Somewhere along the way that changed. Time started to have meaning. I missed an opportunity to tell someone how I felt about them before that chance was gone forever. I stood looking down on the Golden Gate Bridge, realizing that “some day” took far too many years to become reality. I realized that I would never have another conversation with my mother. I learned that this game is being played for keeps, and that I’d better start making some of those dreams into realities.

Whether you know me or not, do me a favor TODAY:

  • Tell someone that you love them. Don’t do it in passing. Look them in the eyes.
  • Call your parents.
  • Call someone you’ve been meaning to call for far too long now.
  • Start making plans for a trip you’ve always wanted to take.

Do one of these today. Do another one tomorrow. If you don’t make the time now, when will you?

Time. It’s the stuff that life is made of.

1 Comment Posted by in philosophy, thoughts
23Jul10 No Weirdos

Weird – (adj) Strikingly odd or unusual.

When I lived in New York I loved to spend time in Manhattan. I wish I had taken better advantage of so much of the culture when I lived there. I went to some of the museums and a couple of Broadway plays, but never really looked into the restaurants or off-Broadway theater.

I did go to concerts though. Hundreds of them. One of my favorite areas was Greenwich Village with all of its nightclubs. Besides having a large gay population, the Village is a neighborhood where you will find tons of artists, musicians, and all sorts of “alt” types. Because of the eclectic nature of the people who lived there, it was fun to read through the personals section of the local paper, the Village Voice. I was talking with someone the other day and remembered one of the ads that I saw. It went something like this:

“Bi hermaphrodite likes bondage, latex, and roleplay. Looking for man who likes to give and receive. Serious inquiries only. No weirdos.”

Those last two words are what made the ad stick in my memory years after the fact. No weirdos.

Now I try not to judge people. Especially not by what they do with other consenting adults behind closed doors. With that disclaimer in place I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if you’re a guy who’s seriously looking to get tied up in a rubber suit to play both top and bottom for a she-male, then you’re at least a little weird. I’m not saying that you’re a bad human being, but you have to admit that that particular behavior is at the very least “strikingly odd or unusual.”

I remember laughing about it at the time. In that particular way that you think about the perfect thing to say just after you should have said it, I wish I had that moment back. I would have written to the guy.

I would have written to him with this simple request: “Could you please explain to me what you would consider ‘weird.’ Please provide two or three examples.”

From my perspective I would think that he was a little weird himself, but think for a minute: If he’s weird to me, like way “out there” weird, then whatever he thinks is unacceptably weird would probably make my brain explode. I mean if you’re a going to place an ad like that, what constitutes a weirdo that you don’t want to deal with?

I didn’t ask the question, so now I’ll always wonder. How weird can weird get?

3 Comments Posted by in thoughts
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20Jul10 A Few 2010 Movie Selections

I’ve seen a couple of good movies over the last week and that got me to thinking that I should start making notes of the good ones that I’ve seen so far this year. I’m sure I’m already forgetting something.

Inception
trailer
Written and directed by Christopher Nolan who also made Memento, this one is as much of a mind game as Memento but it is written in a way that will be more accessible to the mass summer audience it is targeted at. It reminds me more of The Matrix, in that much of the action takes place inside the mind where the rules of our physical world don’t necessarily apply.

The visual effects were nice, but not central to the story in the way that they were in The Matrix. I think that parts of the plot felt a little forced. I counted 5-7 different Very Bad Things that would happen (some invalidated others) if the protagonist failed in his mission. Characters with a more simple and focused motivation might have made that part of the story feel a bit more natural. The writing really did manage to balance several layers of interdependent action in a way that was relatively easy to follow. No small feat when you consider all that is going on. This was probably the best “summer blockbuster” I’ve seen in a while.

Winter’s Bone
trailer
This is one of the best movies of the year so far. The setting is a poor rural area of Missouri and it is shot in a way that even the few scenes where the sun is shining feel dark and cold. I don’t think there’s a bright saturated color to be found anywhere in the film.

The story follows a young 17 year old girl who is caring for her two younger siblings as well as a near-catatonic mother. She has one week to find her absent father before the family property is seized.

This is my favorite kind of character, fictional or not. The person who is tasked with bearing much more of a burden than any human should have to suffer, and who manages to carry on and do what needs to be done. The role is played by Jennifer Lawrence and she does the best acting job I’ve seen in a long time. She looks like a good friend of mine to boot.

This was a somber, but deeply affecting story. It will stick with me for a while.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
trailer
This movie is NOT for everybody. Know two things before you attempt to watch it: The original Swedish title for the movie is “Män som hatar kvinnor” (translated: Men Who Hate Women) and it has not been rated by the MPAA. this is certainly because it would receive an NC-17 rating. I did not know either of these things before seeing the movie.

It has a very powerful character in it, but you may never get that far. I can’t really recommend this movie. I can just give you some of the facts and you’ll have to decide for yourself. I know of two people who could not watch it past a certain scene and they both mentioned the fact that they had no warning about the content.

This is your warning.

The scene in question, to put it bluntly, is a rape scene. It is not gory or sexual in any way. It’s just violent, disturbing, and really brutal to see on screen. Being a Swedish import it goes far beyond the level of anything that Hollywood would try, and they ARE remaking it. It’s one of those things about the character that probably should have been suggested rather than shown, but there you have it.

If you can make it past that scene, the victim goes on to get her revenge and becomes a central character in the movie. She’s a true badass and is played by a fantastic actress, Noomi Rapace. Other than that one scene the movie is a very dark whodunit thriller chasing after the kind of twisted persona that brings Hannibal Lecter to mind.

Remember, you’ve been warned.

Posted by in movies
21Jun10 Stuff

“The price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.”
– Neil Gaiman, Dream Country: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

I don’t know that I’d ever make a good Buddhist. One of the central concepts of Buddhism is that of the Four Noble Truths. It breaks down something like this:

  • Suffering is a part of life.
  • We suffer because we crave things, and we become attached.
  • To eliminate suffering, we must eliminate our craving and attachment.
  • The fourth truth basically says “Here’s our recipe for achieving #3, follow it (The Noble Eightfold Path) and you can become enlightened.”

Like most people, I think the early part of my life was spent in the endless pursuit of stuff. Get a better job to afford a nicer car and live in a bigger place with nicer stuff. Rinse and repeat. Bit by bit over the last few years, I’ve been reversing that trend. Sometimes voluntarily, other times not. At an ever-increasing pace I seem to be either giving up or losing the things I used to consider essential.

This has had some benefits. I’ve been able to strip away a lot of the unimportant things in my life. Unfortunately, I also lost some of the things I didn’t want to give up along the way. I can’t help it, but I still crave some things and I still become attached. I don’t WANT to lose my close friends or relationships, and I don’t know that it will ever be easy for me to do so. I don’t know that I will ever be fully able to give up attachment to those connections. I’m not sure that I want to. Moving around a bunch as a kid meant always losing my friends. Now as an (alleged) adult I’d prefer to keep those contacts if at all possible. Is that really being possessive? Maybe it is when you consider that I am asking for time and attention from someone else. Maybe it also means that I’m avoiding the lesson of learning how to let go.

I do look forward to giving up more “stuff” though. I’m becoming a fan of “experience gifts.” The idea is that you give an experience instead of a thing. Take someone to dinner, make them dinner, spend time with them, even something as simple as buying them a movie ticket. That to me sounds much better than giving a person something that will sit on a shelf collecting dust for the next ten years.

Enough of that. (Enuff about stuff)

Tai Chi is starting to become really fun. I still don’t know the moves and get all crossed up at times, but I’ve found that by focusing my mind on the simple things like balance and the placement of my hands and feet I’m able to clear my mind much more effectively than by any other method I’ve tried. The last couple of weeks I’ve felt like I floated out of the building at the end of the lesson.

The class was also something of a test case for me being able to have some sort of life outside of work. It’s only one night a week, but I’ve worked a ton of late nights this year, and out of the four weeks I’ve attended this class I’ve already come close to missing it twice. Some recent changes at work will hopefully cut down on the chaos and allow me to complete the class.

-R

1 Comment Posted by in philosophy, thoughts
9Jun10 I finally did it

After slacking for a couple of years, I finally became a member of the International Taoist Tai Chi Society. Two lessons in and I feel like a fool, but I just take that to mean that I’m learning something.

Posted by in Uncategorized
28May10 Possibly Involving Loss

The day of my birth, my horoscope in the local paper read: “changes will come, possibly involving loss.” I don’t believe in horoscopes, but that does seem to sum up my life at times. I’m sure most people could say the same.

Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for all of the good fortune I’ve had. I am a lucky guy, and I KNOW I’ve been a lucky guy. Still, this has been a rough year so far. In the last six months, I’ve lost two aunts, two cats, had two co-workers laid off, and had a promising relationship end. Things could be worse. I could have been one of the ones that died or got laid off. Still, I’m ready for things to start getting better again. Then again, if the saying that “bad things always happen in threes” is true, I’ve got a ways to go before things get any better.

It seems that whenever my heart is broken, I drive. I’m not entirely sure why I do this. I’ve driven almost 250,000 miles in the last seven years, and I haven’t been able to escape my heart yet.

Posted by in rants, thoughts
11Apr10 Back From the Swamp

Smile for the Camera

Well that wasn’t so difficult. I spent three days in the Everglades, at Flamingo Campground, which is at the extreme southern tip of the Florida Peninsula.

I went there with the goal of getting away from the world for a while, and finding some peace and quiet. I really didn’t manage to find peace. The first night was relatively peaceful, but from that point on there was an ever-increasing number of people on spring break who were busy making a racket well into the night. In that respect, the trip wasn’t what I had hoped for or wanted. It was still a good trip though.

On the plus side, I set my tent up at the site nearest Florida Bay. Looking out my tent entrance, I saw one lone tree by the shore, and then Florida Bay and some of the Florida Keys. Unofficially it was the southernmost dwelling on the Florida Peninsula while I stayed there. I couldn’t ask for a better view. I also couldn’t have asked for better weather. Cool evenings and warm days, and I barely saw a cloud the entire time I was there. I spent a good chunk of time hiking and taking pictures. I took a boat ride and a 4-hour canoe trip. In my downtime I read “Seeing the Light:: Wilderness and Salvation: A Photographer’s Tale” which I picked up at Clyde Butcher’s Big Cypress Gallery. It’s a story of the man and his wife, as well as the Everglades and some of it’s more colorful characters.

I got to see a Bald Eagle for the first time in the wild. I saw Falcons and Hawks, Manatees, plenty of Alligators and a few Crocodiles as well. No snakes, and thankfully the mosquitos didn’t really come out until dusk when I was already turning in for the night. I lived three days basically out of what I could carry in my backpack. I took my time getting to the park, stopping at the Big Cypress Gallery, and took my time getting home, stopping to take pictures along the way.

So it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. No great revelation was to be had. It was still a fun trip and well worth the effort and the $58 it cost me for the park admission and campsite.

-R

Posted by in Florida Life, outdoors, travel
28Mar10 Getting Away

“Scenery without solace is meaningless.” – Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Can you think of a time in your life when you experienced some kind of epiphany? Most of mine seem to happen when I’m the road somewhere, traveling to or standing in front of some beautiful scenery. Travel destinations are tangible goals, and there are so many of them in my mind that it can be a transformative experience to finally stand there seeing a place with my own eyes.

It wasn’t until I stood at the Marin Highlands looking down on the Golden Gate that I realized I’d always dreamt of standing at that place, for as long as I could remember. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized I’d always been holding someone’s hand in that dream. There was no hand to hold that day, so I got to stand there and learn the bittersweet feeling of a dream only half-realized, but it’s a moment I’ll remember forever.

A big moment for me came on another trip to California. Finding myself with a free day on my schedule, I left San Francisco at 4am on two hours of sleep to drive east across the state. I crossed most of California’s central valley in darkness until the sun rose in front of me over the Sierra’s. I wound my way up into the hills along the Merced river, on my way to Yosemite National Park. I’d seen the park from the air once, on my first flight into San Francisco. It was impressive enough from miles in the air that it made my list of travel destinations. I’d seen pictures and read about the place, and now with just a twelve hours free, I wanted to see it with my own eyes.

I was completely unprepared for what I saw. I turned a corner and saw El Capitan in front of me. Well, I saw a rock wall. It must have been at least a half-mile away, and I still had to lean forward in the car to be able to see the top of it. Other than a “holy shit!” exclaimed to nobody, it left me speechless. No pictures or stories can do justice to the beauty of that place.

Something changed in me that day. I only spent four hours in the park before I had to start heading back to San Francisco. They are four of the happiest hours of my life. Definitely the happiest ones I’ve spent alone. Something about the place touched my soul in a way that few things ever have. It’s like the first time you truly experience love; it’s beautiful by itself, but it opens your world up to possibilities you never knew existed. Some part of me, deep down inside, will always be happy just for the few hours I got to spend in Yosemite Valley.

Rob at Yosemite Valley

It’s too bad we can’t have experiences like that whenever we want to. I could use one around now. 2009 was challenging. 2010 more so, and it doesn’t look to be getting better anytime soon. I can’t make it to Yosemite Valley right now, but I don’t have to go to California to find beauty.

I’ll be off soon for a few days in the Everglades. Florida swamps aren’t nearly as dramatic as the towering granite walls and waterfalls of Yosemite. It’s the hardships of the swamp that are more dramatic, with the sometimes oppressive climate and the fact that most living things there look at you as a source of food. The beauty is more subtle, and you need to slow down and look carefully in order to see it.

Clyde Butcher, who is probably Florida’s most famous nature photographer, knows how to unlock that beauty on film. I don’t. I’ll be there with a camera, but I’ll be happy just to find some measure of peace that I can usually gain from natural places.

Clyde retreated into the Everglades many years ago after his son was killed by a drunk driver. He went there to find solace and restoration. He came out with beautiful pictures, but I don’t know if he found the solace he was looking for. Maybe one day I’ll get to ask him. Maybe one day I’ll find the answer myself.

– R

Posted by in Florida Life, outdoors, photography, travel
19Feb10 Camping, Part II

So I haven’t been camping in 20 years, and that trip was a complete mess. I mention this because I just planned my first camping trip in 20 years. It’s been so long that I’m not sure I really remember how to do it properly. No better way to learn than to do, right? Now you think I’d pick a nearby campground or my backyard in order to just get the hang of things before going on an excursion. I can’t do things the easy way though.

We have one of the top beaches in the country nearby, at Fort Desoto Park. They have a campground, and I always joked that it would be my campground of choice, since there’s a sushi restaurant right down the road in case the whole “roughing it” thing doesn’t go well. The problem is, the campground is always booked well in advance, and it’s already booked until the summer, when things will be uncomfortably hot. So, where to camp?

I chose the Flamingo Campground. Go ahead and look. It’s essentially the last bit of dry land at the southern tip of the Florida peninsula, deep in the Everglades, on Florida Bay. That’s right; for my first camping trip in 20 years I elected to go deep into the swamp, to a campground that sits between Gator Lake and Snake Bight, and is known as the best place to see the American Crocodile. Gators are common in Florida, but Crocs are rare, and aggressive compared to alligators. Mosquitos at this camp can be so numerous that old legends tell of clouds of mosquitos snuffing out lanterns.

Oh, and I’m making this trip by myself. Three days in the heart of the Everglades by myself with the gators, crocodiles, snakes, and mosquitos. I could get eaten alive by any of those four and nobody would know until I didn’t show up for work the following Monday. More than one of my friends has said “You’re nuts!” when I told them my plans. I suspect they’re right.

I think it will be a good thing though. Three days far from civilization, with no electricity, in a National Park, all for the cost of $48. Time away from all of the things in life that feel like they are suffocating me. Time to be myself, by myself, and just enjoy being alive. I imagine I will come back with a good sized list of Things Not To Do When Camping, but what the hell, you only live once.

Wish me luck.

Posted by in Florida Life, outdoors
19Feb10 Camping, Part I

Some of my best memories involve summers spent camping with my Dad. As a young kid growing up I lived with my Mom, so I would only see my Dad for a few weeks during summer vacation. He had a small pickup-sized camper and for a few years we would go out camping in different parts of the northeastern U.S.

I haven’t been camping much since then. My last camping trip was about 20 years ago, and it is a trip that lives on in stories that are told to this day. I’m talking about the kind of stories that survivors of the Titanic probably told years after that event. My friend Jenn hasn’t been camping since that trip 20 years ago, and when asked she just replies “I don’t go camping.” If pressed for information, she will point to me and say “ask him why” because I was there.

It wouldn’t be entirely accurate to call that trip a disaster. Nobody died or lost a limb. It was really just a comedy of errors. I can say that now, looking back on it. At the time, I’m not so sure we were confident that we would emerge with lives and limbs intact.

This was a four-person trip planned by my friend Jim. That should have set off red warning lights right there. Jim is quite a character but he was never known for his organizational skills, let alone his skills as an outdoorsman. Jim borrowed a tent from a friend, and we piled four people and a weekend’s worth of camping gear into Jim’s Dodge Daytona for the trip out to the campground on eastern Long Island. We were packed like sardines into the car, sitting in odd positions for a couple of hours jammed in between all of the gear.

We arrived at the campground as the last bit of light was leaving the sky, only to discover that Jim forgot the bag with the rope and tent stakes. That left Jim wandering the woods with an axe to chop up tree stumps for use as tent stakes. Meanwhile, I climbed trees with a knife in my teeth to cut down every sliver of rope left behind by previous campers, so we could string them all together into a few really ugly ropes and get the tent up in the dark.

That would have been enough to make a memorable trip, but things went downhill from there. Jim set up a tent-like shelter to “protect” our food. All the shelter ended up doing was trapping all of the animals in with the food, which they quite enjoyed. They could get in, but couldn’t find their way out. On a late-night trek across the campground, Jim decided to drive instead of walk, keeping his headlights off so as not to disturb any other campers. He drove into a tree in the dark. On our last day, Jenn fell off of a teeter-totter onto her head and a very sunburned back. The whole trip was one long mess. Funny in retrospect, but not so much when it was going on. I can’t speak for anyone else, but both Jenn and I haven’t been camping since.

Posted by in outdoors
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