There was a time in my life that I thought about killing myself. Don’t go calling 911, it was a long time ago. I haven’t felt that way since I was about 12-14 years old, but it was there. I’m glad we didn’t have a gun in the house at the time, because one of the things that stopped me was the lack of a quick way to do it.
The other major thing that stopped me was procrastination, of a sort. I would keep coming up with excuses to put it off. A common excuse was that I wanted to see who won the next Islanders game in a couple of days. Fortunately, this was the early 80’s when the Islanders were dominant. I always had something to look forward to, even if it was as inconsequential as a hockey game.
That’s the trick though. I was in a bad place, wanting to do something stupid and irreversible, so I would put it off until tomorrow. When tomorrow came, I’d put it off again. Day by day, I eventually got to the point where I forgot to put “suicide” on my daily to-do list.
I’ve never felt that way since, but I still remember how it felt. I remember the feeling that everything was horrible, would always be horrible, and that there would never be an escape.
I had a cousin that killed himself when I was in high school. I had a friend who killed himself almost ten years ago. In each case it came as a shock to me. In both cases, I just wish I could have talked to them.
What would I have done if either of them had called me? Hell, I don’t know. Seeing someone in pain can make you feel helpless. I can’t always cheer someone up. I can’t cure depression. I know what it feels like when you want to help, but there’s nothing you can really DO to make things better. What I do know is that when I had some hard times, having someone to talk to helped. The discussion didn’t have to be about whatever had me down at the time. Just having someone to talk to always made the day easier.
When you’re depressed, reaching out seems impossible. Still, try to do it. All I can say is that for those people living and dead who kept their struggles hidden, I wish they had been able to reach out. If you’re struggling and you’re thinking that there’s no good way out or through, know that people do care. I want you to see tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will tell you the same. If you think you can’t get there, talk to someone. Call a friend or family. It doesn’t even have to be about whatever’s got you down. It just has to get you through the next day.
If all else fails, these people want to see you succeed also:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255